Fat Man in Paradise FMP: The quandary of love and acceptance

The Boys

I have an issue with blubber, I think it is ugly, I don’t like to see it and it repulses me. I do not attach any social commentary to the sight of blubber such as; Oh how sad, that person is so fat. He/she must really be lazy to be so fat. It is really irresponsible for a person to let themselves get that fat. I don’t stare at blubber in wonderment as I would a train wreck or space shuttle launch. I see blubber and I turn my head; I don’t want to look at it.

Wonder Woman

I love who I am and I truly want the best for me. I believe I am special and I think I am extra ordinary. I wake every morning and think of what I am going to do for me, fortunately I derive my greatest pleasure by caring for others. I love myself because it is better for those around me if I am at my best.

My repulsion of Blubber and my love of self is what create my greatest quandary. My dilemma is in, my blubber. How can I love and accept myself when every time I look in the mirror, I see the very thing that repulses me; blubber. The last time I was in this predicament I went into a state of denial and refused to see me for who I had become and I ballooned to 152kg/334lb. I remember those days well, my morning ritual was to look in the mirror and tell myself how good I looked. In order to accept myself I refused to see the blubber and what I had done to myself.

fine wine

I have written in previous post about my fateful day when I stripped down and took an honest look in the mirror and the repulsion I felt while I gazed at the blob of blubber that was me. I loved myself but I could not accept what I had done to myself. Repeat “I could no longer accept what I had done to myself” In my opinion this is the key to a healthy mental attitude towards changing the person I love and accept; me.

it's great to be a dad

I have done a considerable amount of reminiscing trying to pin point the timeline for when I became repulsed and embarrassed by blubber and in essence ashamed in myself. When I was an adolescent around 8 or 9 yrs old, I was a tall and chubby boy. I recall in the summer months I never wore a shirt, I was just a happy fat kid running and playing as hard as I could and that’s when I remember first being called jelly belly. At first, Jelly Belly had no effect on my humor until the name stuck and it became a taunt by others. By the time I was 11 I was never seen without a shirt on, embarrassment also known as shame had taken hold in my spirit. I was chubby and ashamed of my blubber and consequently ashamed of myself.

Ya Baby, no shirt, no shame

I believe it is important to get back in touch with the happy, carefree, blubbery, child that I loved and accepted and this is what I am doing to make it happen.

· Stop hiding from myself and others

o Take off my shirt and never be ashamed of who I am or what I look like.

· Be an adult for myself

o There is a parent, adult and child within all of us, the child is who gets me fat the adult is who tells me to maintain and act responsibly.

· Be honest with myself

o The flab and blubber may never go away and it is most likely that I will never have the body of an Adonis.

· Be happy and have no regrets

o I have made many poor decisions traveling the road that has lead me to where am, some were hurtful and painful and without them I would not be who I am. Accept myself for being imperfect and be happy

You have to be strong to be a kid

Life is not meant to be a struggle. If you are not happy with what you have become, be courageous enough to change. If you are letting the past control today, embrace your inner adult and leave the past in the past. Love yourself, accept yourself and live life for yourself.