Field of Dreams

the untouchables

I left Thailand a couple of weeks ago and it feels like I have been going  nonstop since arriving in LA.;  14 hour days have become normal and in the process my perception has blurred. Once again I am so focused I cannot see.

time to stop and smell the roses

Memorial weekend in the USA has arrived and I have made the conscious decision to take a break with my son who lives just outside of Savannah Ga.  He lives on a military base and his home is next to a football field and a base ball park. I took a stroll to get a feel of the Georgia air and found myself standing at the fence of the gridiron. The grass was cut and green.  The spectator stands flanked the left and right and the uprights butted each end zone the scene touched my emotions and brought back many memories. 

lifes memories are spun like web

The arena was empty and the only person present was me and for a moment in my mind’s eye the stands filled with cajoling fans; parents and students all rooting for the home team.  The cheer leaders danced and shook their pomp pomes and for an instant I was there; 40 some years earlier and I feeling the thrill of being number 74. I was wearing the armor that made me invincible; cleats, over sized shoulder pads, hip, knee and thigh pads,  I was ready for war and ready to lose and I remembered what it was to be a gladiator.

The strong survive

Still feeling a bit high and walking with pep in my step I strolled over to the baseball diamond.  The dug outs were empty but the wood planks were waiting to be warmed. The bases were set, the batters plate was white and the batter’s box was in need of painting.  I took my place by the plate and surveyed the field; everyone was present; the pitcher was on the mound, the fielders were in making noise and the bases were empty.  I was at the plate, waiting to spank the white orbital sphere of glory. Oh what a feeling, I was 12 yrs old and able to do whatever physical feat I challenged my body to do.

 The Quandary.

 Why after knowing the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat do I allow myself to self destruct?

A binge

I am a rational man yet my behavior far too often is irrational and being emotionally connected to food is not healthy; eating comforts me and leads to binging.

Binging undoes all the good work I have done and simply puts me back where I started.  When I binge I am a dog chasing its tail. During the day I make all the right moves, train, control my portions, make smart choices and am on the path to progress only to side step with poor choices and lose control of all rational thinking in the evening hours; eat and drink until I cannot ingest another bite or sip.  The binge undoes all my good work and effort. 

on the rocks

A new day begins, I look at the fallout from the night before and I feel disgust, shame, confused and betrayed.  I am bewildered, why, why, why, how, how, how?  How can I allow myself to lose control?  Why after more than a decade of working on myself do I still struggle with my behavior?  I know what is good and right yet I continue to make false choices.

Can start fresh

The Reprieve

Every new dawn offers new opportunities to work the program and recommit to doing the things I should and staying away from doing the things I shouldn’t.  Each day offers the resolve to be a champion of my own cause and most days I am on point and some days I am not.  In the end as long as I stay aware of my strengths and weaknesses the good days will outnumber the bad and progress will be made.

the good days begin to multiply

Go have some fun

Geo.

fare scelte intelligenti