Searching for the man I have yet to meet

Who am I? Am I who I think I am or who I say I am? What defines me? The things I do or the labels I’m given?

For more than a quarter century I have made several attempts to identify myself, and lived many lives in the process. the initial explorative period started in my late teens and ran the better part of 15 yrs, I call this my Chameleon phase of life, during that time I wore so many different masks that in the end I had no idea who I had become, but I did know I did not like what I saw. My 30’s brought in a new era called SAGE; self actualization and growth exploration, this opened the door to a new way of living. I cleansed my soul and I became aware of what was truly important to me. Many of my principles in living a productive, happy and fulfilling life came from the SAGE period. Where the transition from Chameleon to SAGE was an abrupt and disruptive change in my life’s journey the bridge from SAGE to the current midlife phase has been more of a smooth dove tail into the unknown trails to peace, harmony and self fulfillment.

Who am I? Am I the boy I was raised to be? There is no guaranteed hand book for parenting and as much as all parents love their children they indoctrinate them to see the world the same as themselves, evolution dictates change and with time attitudes change consequently what was good for our parents may not be good for us.

When I retrace my steps to childhood I am able to discover many of the influences that shaped my view of the world around me and how I behave within it. During these exercises in self discovery I am able to reframe my thinking and select or delete any programs I was given during my formative years that have become out dated and no longer serve me.

Who am I? Am I living by a label? It seems to me that today particularly in the USA that people tend to make rapid assessment of others by job titles as if the label explains all there is to know about the person. The process is fast and time saving; introduction / label and all is understood.

A typical social encounter may go something like this;

Bob: “Nice to meet you my name is Bob and yours?”

Gwenn: “I’m Gwenn, nice to meet you.”

Bob: “Gwenn what do you do?”

Gwenn: “I’m a Doctor”

Bob: “Hmm that must be very interesting.”

Gwenn: “How about you Bob, what line of work are you in?”

Bob: “I’m a door to door vacuum cleaner salesman”

Gwenn: (quiet) “Well I think I see some friends over there, it was very nice meeting you and good luck with that.”

This meeting probably takes less than 3 minutes yet both parties walk away believing they know the other person simply by learning what line of work they are in. Labels are not the know all to anything when it comes to who a person is, they may tell us what a person does but labels do not tell me who I am.

Life and living is all about choice, I have the right to choose who we want to be and I have the choice to be the person I want to be. I can be happy or sad. I can be fit or fat, it is my choice. It is the choices that I have made throughout my life that has led me to where I am today. Some of these choices were conscious decisions and others were not. Right or wrong, good or bad is all a matter of perception and in the end it was my choice and my doing.

Who am I? I am a combination of the programs I have been taught, the consequences of the judgments I have made, and the choices I choose. I am who I am, I am evolving into the man I have yet to meet and at present I am a Fat Man in paradise.